ear & sinus infections = not fun.
my nose if runny & stuffed up.
if i blow it, my ears hurt even more from the pressure.
i can't sleep it off b/c i can't sleep b/c of the pain.
i can't breathe thru my nose. which scares me.
my eyes are swollen from allergies.
the throat hurts.
i have no car.
i feel bad asking for rides.
i have medicine but it doesn't seem to do much. 48 hrs ago i felt the same way i do now.
It seems like everyone is leaving me this summer. And by "everyone" I mean, my parents and sister.
I'm usually the one that is the jet-setter. I'm always the one actually. I've the traveler because I CAN be. I have the money. The time. The "nothing is holding me down to stay" attitude. Or I just have another job in another state.
I've only been to Washington DC this summer. And that's because I had to WORK. Thats it. Ok, so it WAS a road trip there, so technically I've been to Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina and Virginia, but those don't really count. I've been to Ft. Meyers for 1 day. And I'm going to Tampa tomorrow for a concert, for 1 day. That's it.
That. is. it.
Whiiiiiiile my sister and mother went to Illinois for 3 weeks. My dad went to Illinois for 1 week. My mom just left to spend the weekend w/ a friend in St. Petersburg. My sister is at Warped Tour (and I don't even know where that is, but I know it's out of town). My dad just left for a week's trip to Colorado to go horseback riding in the mountains. My sister might be going to NYC to visit friends.
WHAT is going on.
I stayyyyed her in FL b/c I thought I'd be working a lot. Nope. Not really. Like once a week I have been. It's been awful. I have no constructive time. But then again, this week I've been sick, so I have been on bedrest for the past 3 days. That really isn't any fun. But when I AM healthy - I want to have an excuse to travel. Please? Ugh.
I'm just so bitter right now.
OH and if I hadn't had gotten in that STUPID car accident, I could have went to Miami Fashion Week to go visit my socialite. Ugh. So bitter.
I worked all day yesterday.
I get a text message from T.P. : "What are you doing tonight?"
Me: "Watching the Miss Florida 2009 pageant"
T.P. : "Oh ok"
T.P.: "spaghetti dinner @ my place tonight"
Me: "Alright, sounds good"
Soooo I go over for dinner. I proceed to get my laptop out to watch Miss FL (it was video streaming live, not on a national TV channel- I know...so dumb) & he goes "you're going to watch it?"
He goes off by himself in his room or somethingggg and has a little pitty party or something.
He got mad at me that I was over @ his place, but practically ignoring him since I was watching the competition. Um - obviously!!! I TOLD him I was going to watch it. He had NO right to get all upset that we didnt' have "quality time" together.
Then my contacts started hurting and I had to drive home. So after a good 15-20 min of me trying to snuggle/kiss him and him like- practically dissing me - I got up and left.
He texts me : "Wow"
Oh and then I let him have it. He has NO right to be the one pissed off. I clearly stated to him earlier that I was going to watch it. He was the one that invited me over for dinner. Whatever.
So we went to bed mad.
Went to church mad.
Left church mad.
Went to lunch mad.
Left lunch mad.
Went home mad.
Took a nap mad.
Woke up from my nap mad.
Went back to church mad.
Left church mad.
Went to dinner mad.
Left dinner mad.
Came back home to hang out - mad.
He left - & we're still not talking about the problem AKA he's not appologizing for being a controlling douchebag last night.
I'm about to go to bed - MAD.
It's been more than 24 hours and we are still pissed @ e/o.
I'm not caving and being the "bigger person" here. I dont' deserve to. He's the one in the wrong. I can't believe he's mad even over everything. It's SO dumb.
He'll just have to figure it out for himself. Or we're out of luck...
It's amazing how other people can influence your emotions soooo much.
My Theta sisters are so amazing. Christina & Charisse drove all the way to Kissimmee to visit me today. To cheer me up from my car accident and the fact that I totaled my car and have no money. Just seeing them - not even doing anything in particular - made my feelings from this entire week - wash away.
Gosh I love them. :)
I had a great relaxing day.
I love my puppy. I love my sorority sisters. I love my boyfriend. I love my daddy. I love rainy days. I love lazy days. I love no make up. I love love. :)
So I discovered that faith is easier to have for others than myself.
Maybe I always knew that. I don't know.
Actually, I probably always knew that, but me - always having the confidence that I AM confident and don't have self pitty parties and depression, has lead me to believe that I'm fine, and that what ever comes my way, and for whatever I'm supposed to do, will just appear. And it'll be fine.
No. I was wrong.
I look at myself in 6 months. I'll be in school.
I look at myself in 9 months. I'll be graduating.
I look at myself in 12 months. I have no idea what I'll be doing. Or even interested in doing.
What if I never sing? Will I be ok with that? I have to be. Especially since I'm not doing anything about it. I haven't done anything with it since high school.
HIGH SCHOOL. That was nearly 4 years ago.
And I say that singing is my passion. Well if it was- why wouldn't I have done anything about it? Because I'm scared? Because I don't think it's realistic? Because I think everyone else is better than me? Because I don't know how to accompany myself on an instrument? Because priorities right now is school? Because I have a serious boyfriend? Because I don't have the patience to write lyrics or compose music? Because I can't? Because I don't have faith that I can do it?
All of the above.
Yes, "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me"
I believe it. Doesn't mean I follow it. Doesn't mean I think it will be true for me. Why? I have no idea. I have no reason to think that I can't do anything. I've been fortunate in the past. The past year I've been doing pageants. No crown. Just Runner-Ups. Maybe that has something to do with my unfaithfulness.
It's an idea.
I just seem so content with everything. "Seem" is the key word. Because realistically - I'm not. I just want this year to hurry up and go by. I want school to be over. So I can move on and work on Plan A. Plan B takes forever and is hard.
I don't know what Plan A could be. I don't know anything I have a "passion" for.
Many people say that you don't know what you want to do w/ your life until you're doing it.
I somewhat believe them.
I know though, that if I was on stage, singing my heart out, I would love it and would know what I would want to do w/ the rest of my life. Just that.
But am I capable of that? Eh. Blah.
I don't know what to write anymore. I'm just making myself more depressed.
Ps- and I was looking through past journal entries online/on paper, and I seem to write about the same thing over and over again. Don't know how to fix this.
I have had a hardback journal, with a key and a lock.
I have had paperback journal, with rings to keep it in tact.
I have had a xanga.
I have already had a livejournal.
I have myspace - and I have written blogs.
I have facebook - and have written notes.
I have a prayer journal but my hand cramps up.
I have too many thoughts that need to be recorded, and if I don't get them out fast, then I forget them. I think I have short-term memory loss. I know it's sad. But I wanted to start anew.
Today Travis left for camp with the middle schoolers. He'll be gone until Friday night. We didn't really get a good goodbye. We were out late last night bowling, so he was tired and still had to go pack - it being 2am. So I'm kind of upset that I didn't get a decent goodbye.
Today I had a chance to do a lot of work on my room/bills/paperwork. I did accomplish a lot, but not enough.
Today I registered for orientation. That cost me $63.
Today I registered for the formal panhellenic recruitment. That cost me $45.
Today I did 5 loads of laundry.
Today I organized my bills.
Today I watched 4 episodes of friends.
Today I swam. Wanted to do laps. But got stressed to thinking I had things to do. Was in for 5 minutes.
Today I baked peanut butter snappers. It was easier than cookies. No baking really. Just mixing.
Today I ate too much. Again.
Today I planned a dinner date with Erin for tomorrow night. Finally.
Today I took at 25 minute bath. I listened to Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy CD.
Today James & Jonny got engaged. Even though I don't approve, I'm still jealous.
Today I found out my best friend and her boyfriend broke up 10 days ago. That's what happens when she lives in Chicago. I never know anything that matters anymore.
Today I stayed home ALL day.
I should be relieved, yet I feel discouraged and "blah".
Maybe I should just sleep.